How Can I Stop Just Reacting to Behavior
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Welcome to our yearlong series on Classroom Management by Design for Primary Teachers. Each week we will give you a new piece to the classroom management puzzle to have in place when you need it this school year. Think of it as a Lego kit just waiting to be built.
Classroom Management by Design for Primary Teachers: Shifting from Reaction to Connection: How Can I Stop Just Reacting to Behavior?
You Are Not Alone in Feeling Exhausted
If you’re a K–3 teacher feeling exhausted from constantly reacting to student behavior, I see you. I’ve been there. Day after day, you might be putting out fires—rushing from one meltdown to the next. It’s tiring, isn’t it? Maybe you go home drained, feeling like all you did was manage behaviors.
Often that’s a sign that the old strategies we were taught—color charts, point systems, sticker rewards—just aren’t working anymore. It’s not you; it’s the approach that needs to change.
I want to share three realizations that helped me answer the question, “How can I stop just reacting to behavior?”:
Realization 1: Rewards don’t work long term.
Realization 2: Co-regulation and emotional modeling are key.
Realization 3: New language and strategies can change everything.
Realization 1: Why Rewards Don’t Work Long Term
In my early years of teaching, I relied on sticker charts and prize boxes. At first, it seemed like magic—kids did behave and I got a brief break from chaos. But soon I had to promise bigger and better rewards just to keep the same behavior going. One sticker used to excite them; before long they were saying, “Is that all? I want more,” as the novelty faded (edutopia.org). My students grew dependent on getting a prize. If I ever skipped a reward, their motivation dropped off dramatically—“Why should we behave if there’s no reward?” (edweek.org).
Meanwhile, the kids who rarely earned the rewards started to give up. I even had a student say, “I’m always the bad kid. I don’t care anymore.” That broke my heart. The very system meant to motivate was backfiring for the students who needed encouragement most.
I realized that external bribes don’t build internal motivation or skills. Stickers and points might buy short-term compliance, but they don’t teach kids why to make good choices. In fact, I noticed some students rushed through work or only half-tried just to get the prize, instead of really learning (edutopia.org). And managing all those rewards was exhausting for me, too. It wasn’t a meaningful or sustainable way to encourage growth.
So if rewards weren’t the answer, what was? That question led me to my next realization.
Transition: It turned out the answer wasn’t a new system at all, but something more personal: how I used my own presence to help students through tough moments.
Realization 2: Co-Regulation and Emotional Modeling Are Key
One day, a student I’ll call Jay had a full-blown meltdown—screaming and even knocking over a chair. My reflex was to shout, “Stop!” But instead I took a breath, knelt down, and said softly, “I see you’re really upset. I’m here. You’re safe.” I kept my voice calm and my face gentle. Little by little, Jay’s screams turned into sobs, and then he quieted down.
In that moment, I learned the power of co-regulation – the idea that my calm can help a child calm down. It takes a calm brain to calm another brain (edutopia.org). When a child is in meltdown mode, their brain is in fight-or-flight; they literally can’t process what we’re saying until they feel safe again. By staying composed and empathetic, I was showing Jay that I wasn’t angry or scary – that we could get through it together.
I also saw that emotions are contagious. If I reacted with panic or anger, the situation escalated. But if I remained steady and soft-spoken, the student would gradually begin to mirror that calm (edutopia.org).
Staying calm is easier said than done, of course. We’re human, and we get triggered too. But I’ve learned to give myself permission to pause when I feel my temper rising. I take a couple of deep breaths (sometimes right in front of the kids, inviting them to breathe with me). That pause is powerful. When I regulate myself first, I’m modeling the skill I want my students to learn (edutopia.org).
Co-regulation doesn’t mean ignoring problems or never giving consequences. It just means calm comes first, then teaching. Jay still had a consequence – he helped me pick the chair back up and we later talked about better choices – but only after he was calm enough to listen. Trying to lecture a student during a meltdown would have accomplished nothing. By waiting until he was calm, the lesson actually sank in.
Transition: With this calmer, connection-based approach, I realized I needed new ways to communicate. That brings us to our final insight – changing our language and strategies.
Realization 3: New Language and Strategies for Connection
As I moved away from rewards and yelling, I had to change how I spoke to my students. The old “Because I said so” and “Knock it off!” didn’t fit a kinder, coaching approach. I started using language that guided children through their upsets instead of just demanding obedience. For example, I found these phrases helpful:
“I hear you’re upset. Tell me what you need.” (Acknowledges feelings and invites expression.)
“You’re having a really tough time. I’m here, and we’ll get through this.” (Comforts a child in meltdown, assuring them you’re not leaving.)
“This is not okay. Let’s fix it together.” (Sets a clear boundary while focusing on making it right.)
At first, these responses felt a bit awkward to say – they were so different from my old “teacher voice.” But with practice, they became natural. And the payoff was huge: instead of angry defiance or shut-down silence, I saw kids actually listening. A student who might have exploded or withdrawn would calm down and even talk about what was wrong, because my response made them feel safe rather than scared.
I also adjusted some routines to support this approach. I taught the class a simple breathing exercise (“smell the flower, blow out the candle”), and we practiced it during calm times. That way, it became a familiar tool the kids could use when big feelings hit.
Another change was how I reinforced positive behavior. Instead of handing out prizes, I made a point to praise specific actions: “Thank you for sharing the markers with Anna – that was kind.” You could see the pride on a child’s face when their kindness or effort was noticed. They began repeating those behaviors because it felt good – not because they wanted a sticker or a treat.
All these changes built a classroom culture of trust and respect. When students feel valued and understood, they naturally start making better choices – not because we bribed or threatened them, but because they want to.
Conclusion: Toward Connection-Based Leadership
This shift from reaction to connection transformed my classroom, and I believe it can do the same for yours. When you lead with connection, you create a space where students feel safe, seen, and ready to learn. And you’ll find that you feel calmer and happier too, because you’re not spending all your energy on constant discipline.
This change won’t happen overnight, and you’ll still have some hard days. But every small step – a deep breath before responding, a gentle word instead of a sharp one – is progress. Start small and be patient with yourself. Try one new phrase or strategy at a time, and give it a little time to work. Those small changes will add up.
You’re not alone in this journey. Many teachers are moving toward this relationship-centered approach. It might feel different from what others are doing, but trust your instincts that focusing on connection is worth it – because it works.
Thank you for listening and for caring about your students. Taking time to reflect on your practice shows how dedicated you are. I hope you feel a bit more hopeful and a bit less alone. You have the power to set a positive tone in your classroom – one where connection comes first and good behavior follows.
Until next time, take care of yourself and keep leading with heart – you’ve got this.
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DID YOU KNOW…
Did you know I organize a FREE Facebook Group for Mastering Classroom Management? We are gearing up for our school year quarter sessions, so if you’re looking for a simple way to improve your classroom management join the already 200+ teachers that have signed up: Mastering Classroom Management Facebook Group
Your ebook GIFT: Empowering Primary Teachers: Effectively Manage Disruptive and Violent Behaviors in the Classroom
FINALLY…
If you enjoyed the tips in this post, you might also enjoy this series of videos Classroom Management by Design for Primary Teachers:
Unlock the Key to Supporting Neurodivergent Learners - Without Overwhelm
Finished Early? Now What? 10 Brilliant Ways to Keep Students Engaged Without the Chaos
A Guide to Creating an Intrinsically Motivated Classroom
Expanding AI's Role in the Primary Classroom
Unlock the Power of AI in the Primary Classroom
Supporting a Student Being Bullied
What to do With a Bully in the Primary Classroom
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Teach~Relax~Repeat
Lauren
